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Thursday September 27, 2001

Sunday, September 23, 2001 2155

Sunday, September 23, 2001 1208

Thursday, September 20, 2001 2139
What is a friend?
Would you have been my friend, if you had not known me? Would you have been my friend if did not have internet? Would you have been my friend if i did not have a phone? Would you have been my friend if you had not known me? if i had no money? if i had no face or body? if i were missing a leg? or the ability of speech? I had been searching for one for the past few days... waiting for a phone call, but there was none. I was looking for one when i tried to hide away the tears i cried a few days ago or those that came to me recently. I guess finding it will never be. I ain't got so much, i guess it's just sad to see this. How lonely i've been feeling for the past few days.
I guess i've just been sad.
I kinda lost writting in me. I wasn't feeling any bliss O.o; only misery and shame.
I want to share so many things to you... but now i'm beginning to think if it's worth it? maybe i should just let this memory fade away...

Saturday, Septmeber 16, 2001 0149 (Sunday morning)

Nothing has been going on that has struck me significantly. I assume that this life has been quite draggin, and yet... it seems to me that my life has only been starting recently. I just came back from our second show in theatre. Funny it maybe, but i really did enjoy these past few weeks, exception: my foot sprain which happened just this week. I had tried to quit smoking but i guess the craving just got in to me. Today, after 3 days of going on without a single smoke, i had my share of ciggarettes @____@; it felt... good. so good. too good.
song of the moment: Eminem - Guilty Conscience The play all in all was a great success infact, i felt that rush one would feel in stage. I don't know if you've felt that. It was amazing that i was able to pull it off with my leg, it's as if i never felt anything. I enjoyed the fact that people finally took notice of me. People started talking to me, and was starting to enjoy my company. Then again, i'm still not used to all this publicity. Now people start comparing me. I find that quite sad.

After this play, I fetched my sister who won tickets to the premiere in "The Fast and the Furious" movie premiere in Galleria. wow, i guess she really must be lucky. Afterwhich my mom decided to go to UCC (greenhills) and drink some coffee. There beside it, another cafe where i met my classmate Thomas (btw, Thomas, now that you have access to this site, i hope you do not allow anyone to observe or find out about this). I had a nice conversation with him, about -- angst, life, and school. If only i could have taken more time and chat...

woman of the moment: Sheena, la lang -- i accompanied her to school, i gave her a back massage. end of story, she has a really nice clavicle bone ^_^;;;
Why do i always fall inlove so easily? Why can't i distinguish the difference between love and friendship? Is it because i do not really have much friends? Am i in that state of a dilema? Is it always that whenever there would be a woman who show signs of compassion for me -- i would easily fall? I need guidance at some point. I need true people. @_@; to show me...
Earlier Saturday morning, i fought again with my dad. despite the fact that i had a sprain and was having a hard time to walk all he could say is "bat ang bagal mo? (why do you move so slow?)". I mean i'm having such a hard time to move and walk and all he could say is `bat ang bagal mo? I told him to shut his hole "bago kita masapak (before i punch you)"

Friday, September 15, 2001
I didn't go to school `til 3pm :P (and our dismissal was 4) wow, galing ko ba? It's because i sprained my leg thursday -- And i had to go CS with shura and the gang. Then went straight to theatre, i thought it was gonna be a failure. luckily... IT WASN'T IT WAS THE BEST FUCKN thing we ever did... and pround of it :P Backstage, we were all going crazy, i think if i didn't have the enthusiasm, i would have just fallen.
woman of the moment: Christina, whoa, @_@ another lady... i guess i'm getting kinda lucky this day. She promised she'd watch all the suceeding shows... issn't that kinda weird? well, why'd she have to say something like that? I dunno, it excites me somehow to have fans, who actually well how do i put it, try to be there for you.

-- more to come --


if i find time...

song of the moment: Al Green - lean on me

Friday, September 14, 2001 0924
My shortest entry to date, i don't know why... today i am here at home because i sprained my ankle yesterday. @_@ that has never happened to me before and now it seems as if my entire capability to think and express thoughts has been paralyzed because of this event. I must admit however that it does have some of its advantages like this moment for example. HOWEVER, it's left me unable to do much physical activities... walking, has become unbearable for the past 20 hours @_@;
I need a girl i think that's what's been going on @_@ i need a new chic :P ewan, just for the sake of having a small flick... everyone else i know are too conservative @_@ Shura's party heh, another CS game... ^^; not that i'm complaining... i just forgot to say goodbye to shura... what the hey? ^^o
music of the moment: DMX -- ain't no sunshine

Wednesday, September 12, 2001 2315 hours
my day was boring...
had coffee... with char.
woman of the moment:
candy again :P la lang... sarap kausap talaga ^_^
Poisons of a new world left so astray. Today will be tommorows memory of what happened yesterday. for now i'll live this moment writting in a notebook.
Tuesday, September 11, 2001
I never really noticed but today time just seemed slower than usual. Sex Education doesn't seem as intresting as it used to be and Social Science infused with the issues of the Church became dragging. For awhile, I think i fell asleep during out personality test. @_@; it was kinda humiliating since I was the last person to finish the test.
song of the moment: South Border -- Kahit Kailan
More theatre practice awhile ago. I never thought it would end up so long, but yet it seemed so sort, because for one moment, i felt like everyone knew what to say and what to do. And i was with friends, at least a friend.
Monday, September 10, 2001 Today, my dad came along for the morning joy ride, while i laid asleep in the car. By the time we had reached the school i was awake and immediately jumped off a few miles away from the gates.
School -- another boring few moments of my life, including Science, Filipino and Chinese, Through this all i felt like my heart was burning, my lungs wanted to release all this stress in it. I guess i should stop smoking, really. I had prk sisig for lunch and man was i so guilty about it. Sisig was so tempting since and the guilt was all over my face considering that for the past few days i've been living in a diet of fresh vegtables and fruits. (bah this is what i get in this stupid school... canteen food.) rave for the day: new camoflouge uniforms! hataw ang lupit! I wish i could wear it already, but it seems i'll have to wait until next next week, whenever that will be. For the past few weeks of my miserable apathetic life, my bestfriend has become my computer, an inanimate object bound by no one, loyal to me. My computer has become a valuable tool in my stress releasing activities. It serenades me with digitally enhanced audio and provides me with the security of a 20 gig memory. It plays with me: with it, i have gain new insights wherein sometimes i win and sometimes i loose. It patiently listens to everything I have to say, with out having to question my integrity. Although i must admit it lacks the human emotion man should need. It still makes me happy.
HOw do i turn "good" to "bad?" why is it that i can't bring mymself to kill anyone? is it because i have been tainted myself with the "corruption" of Christianity?
Does the past really exist? Is the past truly merely a memory of present moments? and the present on instant; a instant so instantaneous it issn't merely even a fraction of second, infinetly small. Even a lot of a small things do not add up to very much. .
random thought: I stood up alone searching for the future, only to find nothing to capture. I was lured by her rapture. I was caught surprised by her. I hated the thought that i would fade away when the sands past by. Can't i leave a bitter dream for you to remember me? Perhaps only in memories or lonesome nights.
However things turned into a different light when dismissal time came. I immediately changed into what is suppose to be my costume for our theatre showcase. but to my surpirse -- despite the fact that we've been practising for the past 2 months out play stll ended up looking like a miserale child's play of an 8 year old whose depth/persona and reality only levels that of an ignoramus. I cannot even further elaborate how our play would appear. I must admit however to the fact that the show will definetly look awkward if this keeps up... but the show must go on.
Woman of the moment: Char -- I was miding my own business in theatre when she approached me, asked me how or when i was going home. I revealed to her that i was really was planning to commute all the way home. and out the blue she offered my a ride. At first, i wanted to decline but it was such a tempting offer so i allowed myself to succumb to her biddings. :P (note to self: find better words) After our practice however, her car was still not around so we decided to walk around for awhile and talk. We had one of those small chats, a one-on-one in general. I showed her a part of my world through my eyes as she did to me. It was one of those really romantic moments that you wish you had grasped but i didn't, and chose to remain as friends. I really enjoyed her company. I even brought her a cup of coffee. We continued to talk and remained in SBC that we barely noticed the time. We left SBC by 9 pm. She dropped me off in QC ave. it saved me more than 30php for my bus fare and jeep ^^o How happy I was to have made a new friend like her. ^_^;
The Following night, I was still commuting but this time i had my driver (one of my best friends in the entire world) was accompanying me. Char's ride wouldn't fetch her that night, fortunately our director was kind enough to offer us a ride. In the car, Char was awfully silent @_@; she must be having a really bad day, but i didn't bother asking. Our director dropped us off at her place, in banawe. So we were infront of Char's house, me and my driver. She offered a drink, and i gladly accepted it ^^; I went in with her, my driver chose to remain outside. I went in got my drink, got my driver a drink, then her mom went down and asked me to help her out of nowhere. @_@; i mean this was my first time to get in to her place and all of a sudden the mom's asking me to go up to their room and well, basically i got a quick tour of her place. ^^o and win the confidence of her mother. Not that i was actually looking for it but at least it gave me new confidence to meet other people. to my shock and dismay. @_@ Anyway -- from her house i walked home ^_^ THAT's RIGHT! I WALKED HOME from banawe to monumento :P with my driver. ^_^ quite fun. i walked home from 9-10 :P wow... talk about 6km walk ^^o more or less... basta... it was fun. Got home and to an even bigger surprise, Manhattan, Washington... everything burned, crumbled and destroyed... @_@;
Today -- Wednesday, I had coffee with char, and we mostly talked about her problems and confusions for the day. I met her dad @_@ man why is it that the child never looks like the parents.
Sunday, September 9, 2001
Today, I spend most of my time in idle contemplation of life -- sort of an evaluation (a small one but at least, bits and pieces of these information will help me re-evaluate myself in anotehr time.)
I am trapped in these walls with no door. I am in a void, a trance of repeated trepidation. No, no event in this life has been ever worth living.
I was awakened by my brother at 9 AM just in time to watch Beast Wars; my favorite animation as of the moment. The graphics kindda became awkward as the fights scences appeared to have lost all sense of 3d :P I called benj up that morning as i was watching Sixth Sense on WOWOW. After, my short trip to hell begins...
In the car, my dad and I had an arguement on how i wear my seatbelt. Actually he's been trying to control me all his life but he never suceeds...he never will again, this i hope to keep. It was stupid of them to to think me inanimate. I did not show emotions. It was also stupid of my folks to think that i couldn't speak or understand Chinese as i over heard my parents say that they think me a failure.
I didn't know what to do, i didn't know if it was fair of them to talk of me that way. I went to Megamall with my folks despite my heavy heart and purchased some books. I had to for my book report, i had to use my parent's money for their sake... and for my liesure. Again, i felt an excruciating pain in my chest area -- i had to hide it so that no one would notice. I continued to venture on with my folks, we ate at Superbowl of China -- I had my share of Jellyfish salad whose after taste i can still taste til that evening. Then we proceeded to mass wherein I met old friends from school of course like always i would never go inside a church and preffered to stay outside in my car and smoke. after all southborder was playing in 89.9 live. I had to make it appear that i was with them so i returned back during communion and well -- that was that. I saw an old friend: bea and man she's prettier than before, than last we met @_@ THe last few moments of my evening was strategically talking with candy.
Song of the moment: Matchbox 20 - Time after time
Love does not depend on the value or cost of your education. There is no love in this house there never was and never will be.
Dear uwa,
When you read this, you will realise that life is nothing more than a series of remose and misery like all times. There is no reason to be where we are now. You will know that when you try to stand up for yourself -- there will always be someone there to pull you down. That person is your father. And when there is nothing more you will find out that the niggest regret there is on this world is the day you were born. Everyday you will feel this pain. The unending torment that no infinite number of worlds can ever describe. Like love -- that is life and like life that is love.
As you wake up the next morning you will remember nothing but the weak, the sad and all it's failutes in life. You will halt and sieze the oppurtunity for temporal satisfaction but no amount of substitution can replace what you've already lost. You will know that your life is nothing but a facade of a reality that doth not exist in this world. That your life has only been a journey of idle pursuits that in the end ashes to ashes and dust to dust that which was once will always be. The grass is green but it'll always be greener on the other side. I guess we'll never know.
You will know uwa that you never did deserve life's pleasures that everything about you is tormented and fucked again and again till you see cow dung -- heaps of shit when they happen. And whenever you stare at the sky you will recall the days of freedom. When you danced in the rain. When you shared your time with others, When everyone around you force you. When death rarely hangged above you. You will rememeber those days when your bestfriend was not a computer and you will silence, cease and wish you could take those days back but you can't. because no one will take you back. No one can stop you now. You will olnly have this memory, cherished in hypertext.
Living your life like a fool, stepping up on everythign that didn't love you... Thats just the you lived your life. You've been unfair -- to yourself, to others to everything. You stand on the verge of instanity and the devil's crusades.
All your life you just needed one thing no one can give you. You will suffer. Yes, and you will realise that somethings are just as stupid in live. No privilage, only sacrilage.
song of the moment: eminem -- Drug Ballad

Sunday, September 9, 2001 0037
woman of the moment: candy -- again, even though my day was completely disasterous. She stepped in a little closer and said: "ppl in this world actually need more ppl like u! =)" maybe i shouldn't let my emotions go astray. Then again, maybe i'm letting go of something special? Then again, i might be drifting again to memory's bliss @_@; -shrugs-

Saturday, September 08, 2001 2328

My head hurts, i've got this really bad headache and for some strange reason/// ok it's not really strange... I'M SICK!! i'm sick goddammit! with a temperature of 39.2 @_@ but i still went to school. TODAY 9/8/2001 >.< A FRIGG`N SATURDAY! i had too, it it was theatre practice. Before that, i had an extention class in math. I've never been so exaspirated in my entire life, i feel as if every single body part of my body's become expired. @__@; Let me recall the events that transpired since Thursday night... ...

Thursday, after logging off-line -- i took a bath. THE BEST HOT BATH OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I rarely take hot baths, every day i would go to the bathroom and open the chilling morning water. However, last night as i was brushing my teeth, i felt a soft chill in my body. Maybe it's because of watching 'The Sixth Sense' that night, whatever the reason was i suddenly felt a chill and rumble in my stomach and i took a crap. Then all of a sudden, i just removed everything i was wearing and openned the water heater, not knowing that i had opened it too much, that steam was comming off (man that's one hot heater) but anyway, the entire bathroom started steaming up and i just went dead... forgetting everything else that's been going on with me. I think i DID fall asleep back there. BASTA, GRABE ANG SARAP. @________@' i think i got out of the bathroom around 11:30, just in time for DEBATE too end. Then i worked out i had an overdose of pumps and sweating all over. `til 1 in the morning, even watched Late Night with Martin Nevera: his guest was the comedian John O? can't remember the last name but it was funny. I wished i laughed.

Friday

I woke up at 5 am and got to school earlier than i had expected. This was because my younger brothers had to attend morning mass at 7.
Class Picture -- duh, the every year thing, were everyone had to tip-toe to look taller, pump themselves up, who knows i'll probably post one if i get them ^_^; luckily, we had wasted one of the worse subjects in the history of man kind: Chemistry.
Other subjects include:
Computer -- Activity (borring, dragging subject)
English -- Quiz on Plagiarism
Media Education -- bah, Quiz again Math -- at this point... i felt i was gonna fall... @_________________@; my head was spinning. i started feeling feverish, and all the teacher did about it was threaten me with detention if i fell asleep.
Lesson for that day: The current, socio-political problems that our country currently faces: The Chinese community. I am a member of that community, however i don't know if i should remain proud to be one. Why is it that recently that we seem to be the root of every problems our country's facing? Drugs? Kidnapping? The Chinese seem to be causing more and more problems, and too worsen the situation the chinese themselves are the ones fighting against one another. Now why is it that the chinese seem to be doing all these? Let me enumerate some of the reasons:
1) Cultural Practices : the Chinese community here in the Philippines have developed a false sense of security. I mean why is it that other Chinese communities seem to be more adaptive? like in America -- you would hardly notice the difference between the two races. Why is it that here in the Philippines, chinese people would NOT allow inter-marriage amost the Filipinos
2) A Feel of Need : Impractical, why do we need to have our school, Xavier school? ok, perhaps for purposes of religion but there are dozens of other schools out there like Ateneo, or La Salle. So why did our parents have to choose Xavier? I found out that: Xavier was built back tehn, because the Christian community was afraid the Protestants were growing there own Chinese school and had to fight it back: so Xavier was built.
3) Chinese-Filipino : what are we? Filipino-Chinese or Chinese-Filipino? Filipino-Chinese would mean Filipinos who converted to Chinese, Chinese-Filipino the other side. nevermind.
I am just saddened because these things that i was once not aware of became so clear and apparently that this could even start an entire revolution @_@; i mean what did the Indonesians do to the Chinese-community when they found out that they were felping their corrupt government? Pillage their homes, killed them. i think the only reason why we're still here is because the Filipinos are more passive, but hospitality has only such a great way to go. Man, so sleepy. @_@; that was just a brain twister thoughts if you will.
After Class, we had StageFX: until 10, i was so stressed. Bad-- when we were ordering our food they completely forgot to order mine. i mean it was bad enough that they were gonna order it from Jolibee but Worse -- ALL I ASKED FOR A FRIGG`N CUP OF COFFEE >.< and they forgot it :( i couldn't get a ciggarette or coffee... After practice who fetched me -.-o ate in Terriyaki Boy until 11, and i had to stick with them. I got home at 12, stressed and fell on my bed.
Saturday

Weird Things happen in Makati -- after practice i went straight to Waypoint grabe aliw ng graphics sa dune 2000. I played CS, Dune and Stracraft @_______@; man i feel old, so many games pass me by. Unfortunately, my dad came and fetched me. We went to Mandaluyong made some deliveries then went to Makati. @_@; First stop: Mcdo, Jupiter St. scary sh*t @_@ as i was going down some kid stared at me and she looked a lot like lain then all of a sudden from an NR look she shifted to: Haley John Osmand. I got back on the car, then there were these fags looking at me like i was some god that they almost bumped eached other.
Charm, MM sorry you guys i wasn't able to make it. I really am.
How i envy my brother but maybe now issn't a good time to talk about it. I guess it would take a kid to remind you of how much a kid you really are.
feeling of the moment:
Dead from all the loneliness
And this is how I feel
Understanding everything has never been my deal
Maybe you have crossed my path
To live inside of me
Or maybe you're the reason why
I'm losing all my decency
I've been lookin' for my Mrs Right
But she don't exist
Chemistry is everything
And we're anything but this
Maybe I have crossed your path
And swept you off your feet
Or maybe I'm the reason why you cry at night
Before you go to sleep
Cause I believe that you and me
We could be so...
Happy and free
Inside a world of misery
And I believe that you and me
We could be so...
Inside of you, inside of me
Cause this could be the one
This could be the one
But what do you think?
We could give it a try
Cause you never know
Maybe we could be soul mates
But maybe not (maybe not)
But maybe so (maybe so)
I want you to stay
And blow me away
Your way
Y'all know who this came from, peace!

Thursday, September 6, 2001 2216 hours
Woman of the moment: candy -- we were philosophizing about things that make us all... human, and i really enjoyed talking to her, i mean, i rarely talk to any one these days, then all of a sudden she comes out of nowhere and starts a conversation ^_^ issn't that nice?

Thursday, Septemeber 06, 2001 2009

Today, i woke up earlier than usual, got to school earlier than usual, and yet -- nothing seemed unusual. our classroom was nothing special -- the usual party in the morning a boombox and the ussual copying of homework in the morning (which i think happens in ALL SCHOOLS) @_@;; however...
As i began my day in school today i found myself slowly drifting apart from the people, my head was spinning and everyone looked darker than usual. I took part in my share of homeworks and exchanged Chinese, Science and Filipino assignments with everyone else. Then i was feeling normal.
Lab period we had experiments with different substances which included sulfur, sugar, napthalene, sodium chloride and copper. Not that i was complaining but we had to heat most of these substances together. In the process, i accidentally burned my left middle finger... and after the chemicals started emmitting smoke @_@ and i had intaken some.. it left me nauseated. @_____@ and my finger was VERY PAINFUL. Luckily they immediately applied one of those burn ointments @_@;; so that the burn wouldn't end up boiling
Social Science Class -- quite fun, we were talking about th e incompetence of the Church, it's fallcy in society. and in the process we were given the task to find one issue which the church contradicts in which we have to analyze. On a different note however, my research paper for the quarter is about: The Age of Exploration: A tale of two colonies; The Philippines and America.
Other classes:
Filipino - Quiz
Math - Quiz
Chinese - Vocabulary (chinese calligraphy)
English - Plagarism
Come dismissal I went drinking coffee with ralph at Seattle's Best, i had my White Choco Mocha while ralph got his Hot Chocolate. we were just remenicin the past and what the future might hold. Then i came to a conclusion that there is none for me -- i had not shared this with him any further. So we decided to go to Waypoint and play couter-strike... yes... addicting, i was on the top XD and was so angry i was venting out most of my frustrations for the day on that game.
On my way to my car i met an old friend, our former Assistant Commandant in CAT (sir BLD) and had a short exchange of conversation and then i left.
My daily error: Then i started thinking, things aren't going right with me... @_@; i mean i think i should stop meeting with raissa for awhile. I mean there must be someone else out there better than i am for her. Then there's my other scary thought: i lost all my handwritten poems that i make in school under raissa's inspiration -- could it be a sign? Luckily i had typewritten most of them (no... the best of them in my computer) but it was still such a great lost for me @____________@; it's scarring me... i mean heh, i don't know i really don't know. I think i should just stop meeting with her like this. It's always haunting me, how women react... to me. How people react to me. Am i that socially inept?
I think i should just shun away There is no use for me to continue being, enjoying the company of people, i cannot even share anything with them.
anyway, time to do homework... tommorow's gonna be a longgggggggggggggggg daaaaayyy...
music of the moment: Beatles -- Yesterday... 8:00 PM 9/6/2001

Wednesday, September 5, 2001 2020 hours

hi Father Mena ^_^

Wednesday, September 5, 2001 1953 hours

Tuesday, September 4, 2001

NEW LAYOUT! doumo!1 benj-kun!! ^_______^ I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!! ^___________^V
thanks also to: raissa -- still my inspiration for the day :P (oro) do i have to do that all the time? ^^O

Tuesday, September 4, 2001 1832hours

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